Lost Michigan Salmon Run Found
The mystery of the 2014 Salmon run has finally been solved. Over the past 5 months, biologists have worked tirelessly to understand the cause of low 2014 salmon numbers in the Great Lakes and its tributaries. A number of theories have shown merit including poor alewife and batfish populations, stocking cutbacks, pollution, and others.
This past week, Umberto Gilliermo landed an unusual fish on the sandy beaches of Panama City, Panama which turned out to be none other than a Pacific Salmon. Unquestionably from the Great Lakes due to a large egg sucking leech fly buried in its “ass”, the fish is the key to unwrapping the mystery of the 2014 run. Biologists now theorize that salmon began to enter their natal streams and tributaries this past fall but once they were assaulted by “fly fishermen” they abruptly returned to the lakes and hatched a Shawshank-worthy escape plan.
Their journey of over 6,000 miles involved acclimating to salt water, sharks, sea lions, commercial fishermen, New Yorkers, and navigating a series of canals including the Panama Canal, one of the greatest engineering feats of the 20th century. Initially the St. Lawrence Sea Way was thought to be their choice of onramps to the Atlantic; however, elevated levels of pharma-toxins native to the Hudson River (rohypnol, rogaine, lithium, and Xanax) were found in Gillermo’s fish. Apparently the fetid water of the Erie Canal and Hudson River provided the perfect cover for hundreds of thousands of Chinook to make their miraculous escape from inevitable death by snagging / fly fishing techniques employed in the Great Lakes.
It seems that the Great Lakes Pacific Salmon were following their instinctual senses that have been engrained in them from many thousands of years of reproduction in the Pacific Northwest, and are intent on returning to their ‘home’ waters. While most biologist would theorize that through many years of evolution and reproduction of Pacific Salmon in the Great Lakes region, that innate imprinting of their original natal streams where their ancestors originated from nearly a century ago, would all have been all but gone. However, it appears that nature is prevailing and the fish seem to have the ability to navigate their way back to the Pacific ocean watersheds.
DNR spokesperson Harold Babar stated “We see this as a very clear message that Pacific Salmon are intellegent and tired of getting snagged in the ass for sport”. Babar went on to outline a 12 step program involving gill netting all escaped Pacific Salmon and returning survivors to their midwestern home waters.