Peak Beard Approaches

Experts all agree that 2015 will be the apogee of facial hair on Michigan waters. The anticipated decline in beard fanaticism is, in part, due to anglers being unable to identify each other. “Everybody out here looks like we stepped out of a Simms catalogue and when you disguise us with beards it really gets confusing” stated Jim Swarthout, a resident of Baldwin and fellow beard brah. Swarthout related how he waited for two hours at Green Cottage on the PM last fall for his friend Dale to show only to find out he was standing 10 feet away from his newly bearded bud.

In an extreme example, Gale Flemming, a card carrying NRA member, stealthed into her living room last July around 4 am, drew her .38, and cracked off three warning shots at what she thought was a homeless man making a sandwich. It turned out it was just her bearded husband returning from a hex outing.

Will this bran shave his magnificent beard?

Will this brah shave his magnificent beard?

Job loss among beard brah’s was unsurprisingly high from 2012-2014 as employers grew increasingly tired of looking at the ironically huge beards adorned by many of their employees. This resulted in an interesting phase of freedom as beard brah’s collecting unemployment took to the rivers. With benefits winding to an end there is speculation that many will shed their beards and get back to the grind.


It may be too soon to tell whether the beard bubble is about to burst. Will experts will be proven right or will the beard phenomena get a second wind? Only time will tell.

Tues bananas


4 responses

  1. AtomicTree

    The Good Lord didn’t deem it possible for me to grow a full brah beard so I’ve had to get creative. I find that throwing some dubbing loops together with either ram’s wool or a mute colored laser dub and attaching it to my face with some Zap-A-Gap (like a man would) seems to fool most other brah’s into excepting me into the fold. When the ladies are around, I’ll use some flashier ice dub…the ladies love ice dub.


    January 28, 2015 at 11:01 am

    • Atomic – solid plan B to a patchy beard. Be sure to download the FishBrah app so you can cut/paste your beard of choice on all of your favorite pics.


      January 28, 2015 at 1:06 pm

  2. Brah Dave

    Could this have anything to do with peak farmer’s market?

    Correlation or causation? I dunno.

    What I do know is that I’ve heard that Swarthout name somewhere before …


    February 6, 2015 at 11:04 am

    • Brah Dave – Let’s be careful about referencing shady journalism. Everyone knows that farmers markets are run by ex-mafia placed in witness protection.


      February 6, 2015 at 10:49 pm

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