Michigan Town Closes for Spawning
The little town of Mio, MI has announced that it will close during the month of April for “spawning”. “We decided to take drastic measures to increase our dwindling population” stated Mayor James Crabtree. The town has seen a steady population decline over the past 15 years that is now considered unsustainable. “Our offspring leave for college, military service, and circus employment but never return” added Crabtree.
In recent years, the town has attempted to bolster numbers through planting and rearing non-native strains from neighboring towns without success. “They just can’t survive like our resident population”. Crabtree went on to mention that mortality rates among planted individuals are enormous. “They are less resilient to disease, are attracted to moving car headlights, and tend to eat everything put in front of them including harmful chemicals”. Apparently, their irregular behavior also makes them susceptible to predation by natives.
Effective April 1, the town will close and will re-open the first of May in hopes of successfully bolstering its population. Studies have revealed that average air temperatures during the month of April are ideal for human copulation. This timeframe also coincides with naturally increasing hormone levels in Mio residents following months of winter inactivity and general dis-interest in the opposite sex and life in general. MDNR will deploy Conservation Officers to monitor the closure and issue tickets to anyone attempting to enter or leave the town. “Our little town has one month to get busy” stated Crabtree.