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Clan of Aquasquatch Inhabits Northern MI River

In addition to blistering cold and a massive snowpack, the Polar Vortex of 2014 delivered a clan of Aquasquatch to the sleepy town of Baldwin, MI.  Only two confirmed sightings of the beast, believed to be a cousin to the Yeti said to inhabit the Himalayan region of Nepal, have ever been recorded.

On Friday February 14, Paul Sullivan was spending the day in solitude fishing what open water remained in the flies only section of the Pere Marquette River when a large Aquasquatch surfaced from the water in front of his eyes. “It’s head rose from the middle of the pool slowly with a steelhead in its maw” said Sullivan who managed to survive the encounter by urinating in his waders before scrambling away.  It’s believed that Aquasquatch detest the smell of human urine.

“We’re hoping they clear out of here when winter ends, if that ever happens” stated Ben Hopp with the US Fish Wildlife.  USF&W has been studying the creature and offered the following survival tips during an encounter:

1. Douse yourself in human or cat urine before heading into the woods. Another option is to smoke menthol cigarettes but most people choose the urine because menthols are disgusting
2. If chased, run backwards, it confuses them
3. Hold your right hand out with your ring finger down. It is believed that this is a greeting gesture made by the creature and may buy yourself time

bth_Aquasquatch_zpsf41797f0Bob demonstrating the familiar gate and hand gesture

Extreme caution is recommended to those planning to fish these waters over the next few weeks. Fishermen are urged to be prepared for an encounter and to have a partner if planning to venture out (preferably someone you can outrun). We will continue to provide updates on developments of this bizarre phenomena.

Tues bananas

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One response

  1. we need to study this creature with great caution.

    Like

    March 4, 2014 at 10:20 am

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