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Peoria Taxidermist Decodes Asian Carp Master Plan

Tues bananas

Peoria, IL – The fear of millions is now a reality as Asian Carp plan to bum rush Chicago area waterways following this years St. Patrick’s Day celebration when the Chicago River gets its annual dose of green dye.  Edgar Fischer, Peoria Illinois premier exotic species taxidermists, was just going about his daily routine last week when he discovered a chilling message.  While completing an Asian Carp mount for his brother Gary who runs an archery adventure outfitter on the Illinois River, he discovered a strange scale pattern.   On a whim he used his childhood Captain Midnight decoder ring to decipher “Green Water GO”.

They look harmless - but are not.

They look harmless – but are not.

Chicago Streets and Sanitation Commissioner stated Monday “It’s going to be a massacre when they hit that barrier”.  The City is left with little time to plan a defensive strategy for the impending assault.  The Mayors office commented that all plausible options are being considered at this time including underwater explosives, carbon steel nets, and subjecting the fish to ear splitting levels Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” in hopes to disorient and derail the biomass.  The White House vowed to hold Congressional hearings expected to convene in July of 2018.

chicago-river-green-2012

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